The Breakup Lessons

Some relationships are such a waste of our time. They won’t be anything other than awful, harmful and confusing.

Although, I can’t say this dating experience was all roses, I can say that what I have learned in a short time was well worth the short-term pain.

1) I am grateful for the opportunity to feel romantic love, even if it wasn’t real, even if it was only for a moment. Some people will never feel this in their lifetime, and I did. Not only was that miraculous, but the fact that I had the capacity to be that vulnerable to feel that way even if only fleetingly…pretty good stuff.

2) People are an incredibly powerful force in our lives. I want to surround myself with people who influence me positively, give me energy and space to be more of what I am, not less.

3) Being tolerant and respectful of people’s differences is a great skill to master, but if you’re dating someone for whom you must be tolerant constantly…this ain’t a good thing baby. I cannot date someone who has such wildly different values on things I really care about. It wears me down. It makes me less of who I am.

4) We all have insecurities, fears, and responses when we are challenged or threatened. This is a very good arena to separate the men from the boys and the women from the girls. Does this person have enough self-esteem and self-respect to face a challenging situation head on and fight for what they want while respecting the other person?

5) I could be a really good partner to someone. Part of me always thought I didn’t have a lot to offer in this arena. I was wrong. I have a lot to offer. I WANT to give that to someone who mutually wants to give it back to me.

6) I have a moderate to high sex drive and I want a man who is just as sexually attracted to me as I am to him and wants me as often, energetically and creatively as I want him. 🙂

7) I understand more now what I seek in a partner. I understand how important having a similar sense of humour is and being able to talk to each other without reserve, without worry that you will be judged. Communication is imperative.

8) Growth is one of the most fundamental keys to me. If this person believes he can’t grow or learn anything more, that people never change, or the world is set in stone and will never improve…the relationship won’t work. My whole life is built on the premise that people, situations and the world can change. And if it can’t, what are we all doing here? I have never believed our genes, hormones or how we are raised will ever dictate our destiny. We make our own choices and we can become what we choose to become.

9) I have been missing out. The depth of warmth, emotion and companionship I felt with the man I was dating at times was remarkable. I have never felt that way before. And finally, I understand. I understand why people look so hard for their significant other, I understand why people go through such terrible shit in the name of love. It is one of the most profound things I have experienced in a long time.

10) If the people in my life are getting in the way of my goals, my growth, my self-esteem or my joy…they ain’t the right people to be in my life. Even if I have feelings for them, even if there is loyalty and love. Healthy relationships are aligned with who you are and what you want. Mutually supporting each other to reach your goals and having fun while you’re doing it. Anything else will just derail you, and drain you of energy to fight the battles that life throws at you. I, for one, don’t have energy to waste on people interested in destroying me. I am self-destructive enough. 🙂

To the man who has taught me so much, thank you for showing me these things. As hard as it was, those lessons are gold. I wish you well.

2013 in Review

I stumbled across this amazing author last year. His name is Chris Guillebeau. If you aren’t familiar with him, he writes a lot about conformity, traveling and making up your own rules.

I enjoy his no holds barred honesty that permeates his writing, and his blog is no exception. Most recently, he has written a series of blog posts around 2013, what he calls the “Annual Review”.

In the spirit of Chris’s utter honesty, I thought I would give this thing a try.

What went well in 2013:

• I changed jobs twice in 2013. Yes, twice. It was a big year for me. I think this second job is a keeper. More money, less hours and a better alignment of my interests.
• I ended some really toxic friendships that have been dragging me down.
• Was finally able to take that resort vacation to Mexico that I have always wanted.
• Had the best sexual experience of my life, to date at least, while in Mexico.
• Finally got to experience a small part of Vancouver.
• Started a blog I really love (yes this one, silly!)
• Co-organized and spoke at my first women’s event this past fall.
• Put some money towards getting educated about my debt and building a financial plan.
• Spent some wonderful time with my family over Christmas. We are a tough family to get pinned down. It’s been over three years since we’ve all been together in the same room.

What did not go well in 2013:

• I struggled in a big way this year with my fitness goals. I had brief moments of motivation, hard work and success that were quickly followed by self sabotage. It was kinda unpretty. Still working on the self-sabotage issues.
• My lack of satisfaction with my career often left me feeling hopeless and very broken. I spent way too much time feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t love my job more, when I should have been thanking the heavens for allowing me to be so privileged as to have such amazing opportunities this year. Three jobs in one year in the same career. That’s pretty fucking amazing. Gots to work on my gratefulness.
• I don’t believe I was the good friend or family member that I could have been. I pulled away a lot more than I invited closeness. I want to work on this next year.
• I had a lot of guilt this year about not being “better”, not doing more, not making more progress on all aspects of my life. There was a ton of bullshit swirling in my head and the gremlins were feasting. I had a hard time being in the moment and enjoying things as they came. This year, I want to honor where I’m at everyday, and set my goals according to how I want to feel. I want to let feeling good and loving my life to be the driving motivator of everything I do.
• I spent a lot of money this year that I didn’t have. I got my first credit card after years of having to do without due to bad credit (yup!) and my poor spending habits rear their ugly head. I received my card in June and by the end of 2013 have racked up $3500. Ouch! Next year, I want to learn how to save for the things I want (like a new couch), without using credit, pay off debt and create a long-term savings that will make me feel good about my habits.
• A lot of my accomplishments this year were dirtied with feelings of lack. My accomplishments in my career felt haphazard, and weren’t achieved with confidence and gusto. They were surrounded with desperation and an imposter complex. The women’s event that my friend and I successfully launched and spoke at, went fairly well for the small amount of time we had to pull it together. But I felt dirty about that too. So much of the work landed on my colleague, as I was struggling to leave one job and start another. I didn’t have the energy or the desire to put into endless hours at home on something else. I was exhausted. So I did what I could, but I always look back and torture myself with “I could have done better”.

All in all, I waged a lot of internal battles this year. Feeling defeated in the midst of supposed success; feeling alone despite evidence to the contrary. Even though I hate this struggle-stage, I realize how important it is. I’m getting closer to who I am and who I want to be. I am getting closer to having the kind of life I desire.

I’m learning more about what I want to accomplish in the world. I know that 2014 may also have some painful moments, but I have faith that this work is going to clear the branches and make way for a path that is self-shaped and truly beautiful.

PS. the image associated with this post is designed by myself through Tagxedo with words from Chris’s blog! Happy New Year everyone!